Author Talks: The power of human connection

In this edition of Author Talks, McKinsey Heath Institute’s Vanessa Burke chats with Tracy Brower, vice president of Workplace Insights at Steelcase and a sociologist, about Critical Connections: Build Relationships and Harness the Power of Community in Work and Life (Wiley, March 2026). Building on her research, Brower underscores the link between connection, community, and cognition. She reframes loneliness through a new lens that shows how social connections shape the brain—and why connection is biologically essential. An edited version of the conversation follows.

The McKinsey Health Institute defines brain health as the prevention and treatment of brain-related conditions and the promotion of healthy brain function. Why is loneliness linked to depression, anxiety, and neurological changes?

Loneliness is linked to our neurology in a lot of different ways. When people feel less belonging, they report greater levels of depression. There is a correlation at a simple level.

In addition, we experience isolation and loneliness in the same parts of the brain as we experience cravings for things like food or nicotine. In fact, there is a correlation between obesity and people feeling more isolated and craving social connection. Feelings of isolation are also correlated with challenges and smoking.

When people have more connections in their lives, they’re able to overcome some of those other cravings. In our brains, there is a physical relationship between loneliness and some of the other physical cravings we experience.

The other thing that’s linked neurologically is pain. When we feel disconnected from other people—when we feel betrayed or ostracized—we experience social pain in the same part of the brain as physical pain.

When we think about ourselves and others, those brain patterns differ more when the relationship is distant. The closer the relationship, the more similar those brain patterns are.

The implication is that how we think is absolutely related to how we connect and how we feel part of a community.

The younger people are, the more likely they are to say they do not have friends or somebody to rely on. This disconnection is an issue, not only for individuals, teams, and organizations, but also for society as a whole.

You write that ‘we’ve elevated convenience over connection.’ Beyond technology, what’s driving this, and how has it affected the way we build relationships?

This point about convenience over connection is a big one. We are frequently ordering on an app instead of talking to the barista, or we’re getting deliveries at our door instead of talking to the checkout person.

Technology drives a lot of that, but there are also a few other factors. One is our emphasis on speed and the pressure we’re under. We all feel that we need to move faster. That’s one of the implications of AI. In general, we feel more pressured. We’re trying to move quickly. It’s very efficient to put convenience over connection.

Also, when we feel stressed, we tend to want to reduce friction—reduce all those points that can get in our way during a [typical] day. The unintended consequence is that we end up feeling disconnected from other people.

Statistically, people are reporting a reduction in civility and an increase in feelings of overwhelm—in the news, in how we treat each other, and in polarization. The social dynamic that comes from that is called “behavioral sync,” where we [collectively] feel overwhelmed.

As a result, we withdraw. We think, “I’m not going to engage. I’m going to try to reduce my interactions to get through something that feels overwhelming.”

It’s speed and pressure. It’s the desire to reduce friction. And it’s that idea of behavioral sync in the face of overwhelm.

How do connections shape cognitive performance and decision-making?

The ways that our connections shape our cognitive performance—and even our decision-making—are very powerful. There have been some fascinating social experiments. One thing to start with is understanding that the more we talk to others, the more we socialize, the more we connect, the better our cognitive function.

That doesn’t mean everyone has to be an extrovert. But it does mean that we all require some level of connection. The hypothesis behind that research is that when we’re connecting with other people, we’re asking questions, processing what they say, listening, and empathizing.

And all of those actions are very effective because they’re engaging our brain and building on our cognitive capability. Our cognitive capability is tied to connection. In addition, there is interesting research on decision-making and how we make decisions when we’re connected.

One experiment was conducted where people were hooked up to electrodes. They received an electric shock that was uncomfortable enough to want to avoid. Then the subjects viewed symbols. They had to quickly learn the symbols that were associated with the electric shock, versus the symbols that were safer.

In a repeat experiment, subjects were told their choices would affect someone else’s experience. People learned faster and made better decisions when their experiences and their decisions were connected to others.

Researchers analyzed brain patterns and the neurology behind the experiment. When we’re thinking about other people and making decisions for other people, we have greater involvement of the part of our brain that pays attention to social cognition, emotion regulation, moral judgment, and decision-making.

There’s a powerful relationship between our experience of connection and community, the way our brains work, and the way we behave with others.

Relationships, whether they are platonic, romantic, or professional, are fluid. When do people struggle most to connect, and when does connection come more naturally?

Our connections, our friendships, are always changing. There are ebbs and flows throughout life. There was a study spanning more than 100 countries that included 271,000 people, and it found that when people had more friends, they were happier and healthier. Friendship is good for us at all ages, all the time. There is an even greater connection when we age, in terms of how having friendships relates to our health and well-being.

Another age that was notable is adolescence. Oftentimes, adolescents want to be popular or worry about how many friends they have. But studies show that the depth, meaning, and authenticity of friendship are more important than the number of friends people have.

Making friendships can be harder when we’re adolescents, because we’re worried about comparisons and figuring out our roles and how we fit in socially. It can [also] be harder as people get older, because a lot of times, some members of the community slip away.

When people have young children or children in school, they join play groups or sit next to other parents at soccer games. That’s a time when we make friends more easily. Seventy-five percent of people make friends at work. That’s [an example of a place] where we have proximity and make friends naturally.

The takeaway is that friendship ebbs and flows over time. It’s always important. Sometimes, we have to put more energy and intention behind it for that payoff.

Why does being a good friend start with self-awareness?

Self-awareness is so critical to being a good friend because it affects how we understand ourselves. In turn, self-awareness affects how we show up and how we set the tone for our relationships. One of the concepts I love is “linguistic determinism,” or how the words we use affect our thoughts and behaviors.

We think about the time something costs us versus the time we invest. We want to invest time in friendship, or we think about building relationships. We say to ourselves, “I have to pick up the kids after school,” which is different from, “I get to pick up the kids after school.”

Linguistic determinism is part of that self-awareness. How am I talking to myself? What words am I using in relation to this relationship, this friendship, and my investment?

The other thing that is important about self-awareness is that intention doesn’t always equal impact. It’s really important that we’re attuned, that we’re checking in on how things are landing. This way, we can adjust, be appropriate, and bring ourselves to that relationship in the very best way.

There’s a classic model of interaction called the Johari Window model. It was named after Joe [Luft] and Harry [Ingham], who came up with it. It looks at the relationship between how well I know myself and how well you know me. And the best, most constructive relationships are built when I know myself really well and you know more about me.

That’s called a greater open space in the relationship—we’re transparent, open, authentic, and tuned into the other person. We know ourselves well enough to interact in a really constructive way. Self-awareness is critical to relationships because of the way we can bring ourselves to them and the way that affects our behaviors and interactions within the relationship.

What does the friendship dynamic of ‘legibility’ mean for relationships? What are some of the other key dynamics to maintaining a successful friendship?

Being a good friend has a lot to do with legibility and a few other factors. Legibility is the concept that we prefer people who are easy to read because we tend to shy away from ambiguity. We tend to shy away from uncertainty. We want to know what we can count on from them.

Transparency is also important. We tend to build trust in relationships over time. I share something about myself, and then you share something about yourself. I share a little bit more about myself, and we build the relationship over time. Usually, the more transparent we are, the better. We also want to watch for cues from others in terms of how comfortable they are with the information we’re sharing.

Regarding consistency, we prefer people who are predictable. In fact, there was an experiment that was done with leaders where they asked, “Do you prefer a leader who’s more predictable but not strong or somebody who’s erratic?” People [overwhelmingly] prefer the leader who is more predictable. At least they know what to expect in a world of overwhelm, speed, and friction—even if the person is not a great leader. That’s why people often prefer consistency.

We prefer people who are consistent in how they treat others and fair in how they treat others. The takeaway message is that how we behave in relationships absolutely drives the quality of those interactions.

How would you describe a good friend?

A really nice model for great friendship is the Perceived Partner Responsiveness, or PPR, scale.

This model comes out of [research on] romantic relationships, but it absolutely applies to all relationships. When people demonstrate perceived partner responsiveness, that is part of being a good friend.

First, there is an element of understanding. We feel best about a friend when we feel they understand us. That element is about demonstrating empathy and listening to others.

The [second] element is feeling validated—that someone appreciates you. That is about tuning in, asking questions, and staying present with one another.

The third element is responsiveness—providing support, suggestions, and resources.

A very good friend is understanding, validates us, and helps us to feel seen, which is a fundamental part of mental health. A really good friend is responsive and provides the right kind of support.

How do you have an engaging and meaningful conversation?

You have a conversation with a friend by absolutely balancing advocacy and inquiry. With advocacy, we’re expressing our point of view. We’re being firm and putting our ideas out there for others.

Inquiry is when we’re balancing that with learning more—and being curious, empathetic, and understanding our friends’ point of view. Great conversations are also very back and forth.

The best conversations between friends are usually when each person contributes about 50 percent. There might be a moment where I’m having a very bad day and just need to vent, and I may exceed that 50 percent. That’s absolutely real.

In general, there’s not only reciprocity but also some equity in terms of how we share time. In great conversations, we can ask curious questions that get someone thinking. We can get feedback that is challenging and helps people grow and develop.

In great conversations, we can talk about the past and shared memories. We can talk about the future, where we want to go, and what we might be anticipating. Great conversations often involve humor, where we’re simply talking about something that makes us smile or laugh.

Another element of a great conversation is expressing appreciation for each other, even if it’s very light. Often, a great conversation just reinforces what we value about the other person.

What are some small, intentional steps we can take to build and maintain connection?

Making a good friend takes about 60 hours. You have coffee once a month for an hour, or you chat before yoga class for 15 minutes every week. That time adds up slowly.

One of the first intentional steps we can take is to reach out, lean in, and take initiative in getting together. Sometimes it can be hard—if we’re feeling disconnected or lonely—to take that step. But that is one of the fundamental things we can do to increase our connection and community.

Another thing we can do is be intentional about how we invest our time, how we are attentive to people, and how we are being present. There’s a wonderful idea today that attention is one of our most scarce resources.

When we feel that someone is present with us—when we feel that someone is paying attention—it boosts not only the relationship but also our esteem. There’s a beautiful idea that our feelings about a friendship are sometimes less about how we feel about the other person than how they make us feel about ourselves.

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